JLC Imaginings

This is only a moment of transition.

That’s what I tell myself when the emptiness creeps in. 

I brush it away, take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s ok to feel a little grief. 

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This is just a moment of transition.

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From the moment I knew I was pregnant; I was turning a page into a new and exciting chapter.

21 years ago 

I remember feeling morning sickness in the evening. 

I remember developing a bionic sense of smell.

I remember the frequent walks around the neighborhood.

I remember the worry and fear of what giving birth would be like and watching “A Baby Story” on TLC several times a week. 

I remember the job I took at a Title 1 preschool in a local town. 

I remember craving sub sandwiches with plenty of Italian dressing. 

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It was a moment of transition

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Then Natalie was born. 

And she was absolutely amazing.

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There were diapers to change,

There was less sleep to be had.

We were parents-in-training, we were sleep deprived and nervous, and excited. 

I remember her quiet and loud noises.

I remember the random hand movements.

I remember her little furrowed brows as she tried to understand this new world she was in.

I remember her first attempts at words, her giggles, and the first time I accidently hurt her when I snapped her into her stroller and the snap caught a bit of her skin and pinched her. 

I remember pushing her in her stroller at the Safari Park and Legoland.

I remember when she started walking and no longer wanted to breastfeed.

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I remember wanting to have another baby shortly after her first birthday.

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I remember when Mr.C and I were in a hectic state because he accepted a job in Portland and we needed to sell our house in two weeks.

And I remember getting that little flu-like feeling in my stomach and knew instantly that another child was on the way.

I remember announcing to the family that we would be expecting another baby

… and we were also moving away.

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It was a moment of transition.

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I remember being so fatigued. 

We were moving all of our belongings from one state to a temporary apartment in another state while juggling a toddler. 

I remember the apartment being so filled with cigarette smoke from our neighbors.

I remember the rush to buy a new home.

I remember the rush to find a new doctor.

I remember being extra warm on cold winter days because there was two of us in the same body. 

I remember all of Sophia’s little hiccups while she was growing within me.

I remember taking Natalie out for little walks around the neighborhood and to storybook readings at the library.

I remember when Sophia was ready to be in the world and how we scrambled to find someone to watch Natalie while I was giving birth. 

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Then Sophia was born,

and she was absolutely amazing.

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It was a moment of transition

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Then the adventures were in full swing with two girls:

The Mom’s Club

Library readings

Parks

First days of school

Camping

Softball

Soccer

Basketball

So many hiking trips

Yosemite

Hawaii

Theater classes and camps

Talent Shows

Plays

Choir Concerts

Rugby

Field Trips

Trips to Bend

First kiss

First breakup

The Grand Canyon and Zion

Covid 

Learning to drive

College plans and acceptances

Graduation

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Packing and moving to college.

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And now our home is quiet, and I turn the page to finish that chapter.

The emptiness creeps into my heart.

But I brush it away, take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s ok to feel a little grief. 

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This is only a moment of transition.